I found that clown outfit you were looking for.

Looking for the perfect outfit, for that chic event?  Well, I have just the thing, to make you look like the demure flower that you are.  Behold, another gracious, gorgeous, timeless collection from our favorite, American Apparel.

Fleece poncho, for those "I want everybody to know that I'm on my period and I'm SUPER bloated" days.

Ever look at an homemade oven-mit and think "Yes, that! That will be the inspiration for my freshest new look!"?  Well, apparently somebody did.

The "Fu** you, I don't care. You'll still buy it" top.

The "I have syphilis and I need tight pants to keep the inflammation at bay" leggings.

The "I just wanted to make sure that I got my crotch in the picture" shoes.

-The Mormon

Are You Effing Kidding Me? (Forever 21)

This segment of fashion terrorism is brought to you by the letters "F" and "U", with valued contributions from the number 21. With no further delay, I bring you Forever 21, a shining beacon of innovative fashion and fresh perspective. Behold!

"This season, we offer you a beautifully creative dress...or shirt...or whatever, eff you." Forever 21

Are you in your mid 40's? Do you have a teen daughter? Are you trying to be best friends with your teen daugher and/or her friends? Do you go clubbing with your teen daugher and/or her friends? Well then, this top is for you!

Tired of that curvy figure? Hate those feminine hips? Well, then, we have something very special for you. Here are some jeans, specifically designed to take that hourglass shape, and stuff it into a rectangle. You're welcome.

Wondering why the Queen was looking so distant and distracted throughout the olympic opening ceremonies? Our sources tell us that it's because she saw this image, in the final seconds leading up to the event.

I can't. I can't do it anymore.

-The Mormon

American Apparel...Make It Stop.

You know that feeling you get when you go to your friend's house for dinner, and they lecture you about the importance of local produce? Yeah...and they talk about how global economies are destroying local independence, and are actually changing the production and consumption of food? And then they tell you about their new project, to grow and harvest their own fruits and vegetables? Then, an hour later, after scolding you for buying your produce at a chain supermarket, they bring out a platter of misshapen, half rotten, worm-infested food, and say "Here, now eat this. See? Isn't this so much better than all of that imported, chemically enhanced, genetically modified trash that you buy in your supermarkets? We grew this food in our very own yard. Taste the difference." Well, that's the feeling I get when I see American Apparel.

Most Unflattering Jeans Imaginable

$85

First-year Home Economics Class Project 

$56

Granny's sweater...for men

$135

(yep...135 mother effing dollars)

-The Mormon

Mullets. Oh mullets, mullets, mullets.

Ladies, I've got to admit it...I have always struggled with the mullet skirt trend. I understand, though, that it is personal preference. So if you are going to rock the mullet, be sure that you are rocking it right. The mullet skirt, which is a party in the front and business in the rear (do you see what I did there?), is hard to pull off. I've noticed that the people who have successfully merged party and business have been people who've kept it super simple. The skirt is statement enough. Simple shoes, simple accessories, and easy hair. That's the ticket. You know what I mean? Here are some examples:  (one hour later) Okay, actually, you know what? I have been surfing the web for nearly an hour, and have found no examples that I will let pass. I just can't do it any more.

Mullet Skirts

How you think you look:

How you tend to look:

Be careful.

-The Mormon

News Bulletin: Urban Outfitters Accused of Trend Mutilation.

We interrupt this program to bring you a special report. Sources tell us that the print-clashing trend, in its old and feeble age, has been viciously attacked. Though it's been a well loved trend, in recent months, it has been left defaced and dishonored...at the hands of Urban Outfitters. UO's most recent print-clash crime spree has inspired a backlash from the general fashion community, who are thirsty for Urban Outfitters' blood. Here's a lineup of the most ferocious and dangerous offenders:

Photo Source:

urban(freaking)outfitters.com

-The Mormon

Uuuuuuuuuumkay......no.

Jeffrey Campbell boots.... Really? Cat tapestry? Really? Carpet shoes? REALLY? I am so angry about these! Do NOT buy these effing shoes! Your "bestie", the one who is trying to convince you to buy them, hates you to the core, and is trying to steal your boyfriend. If you wear these shoes....she will succeed. I promise.

-The Mormon

Split Freaking Infinity

Okay, draw an imaginary line through the middle of each of these images....right above the knees. Top half is pretty good, right? I mean, we've kind of seen stuff like this before, and it's a little over the top, but it still looks pretty good. Bottom half, on the other hand, is the worst. We are talking about the absolute...can't stand those effing boots...worst. Zip-flare leggings and pirate boots? Really? Zip flare leggings and pirate boots. Please make the pirate boots stop, Kim Kardashian! You are the only one who's keeping them alive! Well, then, with no further delay, I present to you Tom Ford, Fall 2012.

Photo Credit: brought to you by Style.com 

...and Kim Kardashian's never-ending obsession with hooker boots.

-The Mormon

Button 'em up, boys.

Yes

Yes

Yes

NO!!!!!!!

-The Mormon

Ya know what? It's time.

You know, ruffles aren't what you think. I'm sure we imagine that they were invented by a french woman, who twirled everywhere she went, and always had a teacup in her dainty hands.  No, actually, I'm sure they were invented by a red-faced guy, who always had food in his beard. There, now they don't seem so precious, do they. I don't care if J.Crew has been doing the ruffle cardigan for 20 years now, it is NOT a wardrobe staple. It's time to let it go.

How you think ruffled cardigans look:

How ruffled cardigans actually look:

-The Mormon

Tights are not Trousers

There is a WORLD of difference between tights and leggings.  The main difference being; tights are meant to be worn UNDER something, and leggings are okay on their own. Just look at the fabric. If it's opaque....leggings. If it's translucent or transparent, with crotch seams.....TIGHTS!

Leggings

Tights

Leggings

TIGHTS!!!

And to help us all remember, here's Anna Wintour, with a pearl of wisdom:

-The Mormon

This is what happens when you mix booze and shoes.

Well, it finally happened. After years and years of flirting, Ugg boots and Dansko clogs finally hooked up and got pregnant. It was after this INSANE party, and they were both totally drunk. I've got to say......that is on uuuuuuuugly baby.

-The Mormon

NO!

o

I can't.  I just can't.  I can't hold it in any more!  I HATE these!  HAAAAAAAAAAAATE!   It's a combination of all of the worst things; headbands, crochet, and head flowers.  And it's usually styled with some sort of huge scarf, frilly coat, "fun" leggings, and clunky shoes.  Do you want to know what I think of when I see these?  I think of a 5 year old girl, who just found a whole trunk full of her grandmother's dress-up clothes, and then she just started putting random things on in random places (like a shawl as a skirt and bloomers as a bonnet).  Oh please, for the love of planet earth, please don't be that girl.
-The Mormon